Overflowing emotions

My huhney&darling inspired me, and i decided to write my feelings down in this entry.
With the thoughts of heartache&happiness i've been blessed with, a heavy heart and a thankful soul, and longing to share; these keeps me writing.
It'll be a long and whiny entry, but i do really hope that it touches somebody. And make change in someone's life.

I'll call it : A blog about dad.
To many others it might be your mom, your siblings,
it all works similar in a way or another.
Just read on. =)


In this complex society where bread&butter strangles everyone so tightly they could hardly breathe, where they spend time at work more then at home, where workpile&competition rob them of their joy and patience to love their family like before. The harder the parents work, it just makes the child sadder. When the strong passion of love that was strongly expressed with kisses on the cheeks became nothing but a slight nod when you say goodnight, when consolation that was always given when you were bullied by other kids or when you fell badly turned into nasty words like "How stupid!" "Fall again?" "I'm busy!". It shuts. Slowly, it moulds one child to behave and grow in a certain way. First she try acting spoilt and throwing tantrums; just to try attracting the attention she used to receive. But as she grows older and it came clear that regection would be the only thing she receives, love turn sour. Loneliness overwhelms and confusion swallows.
They defy, challenge, disobey, criticize, violate and the fire just grows bigger.

"What happened to you?", the parents would say, "and you were never like that in the past!" These words said in much disappoint and rage. But hey, we tried didnt we? We gave signals, we did all we could and all we knew how to. What happened to you? You were nice and kind and you were never like, to start of with. Hasnt we always been stuck its this irony, for so so many times. And everytime we do try to speak of how we feel, "You're just a kid. You'll never understand." Gradually, these effort were seen useless, we get disheartened and soon enough, we do not bother.


I've felt this.
In my family, i'm the youngest.
All along, i've always felt like the only.
With 2 elder sisters 8&7yrs older, it difficult for them to not like you and find you annoying. Communication gap is of cos in the way and sometimes, maybe they feel embarrassed having me around with their friends because dad&mom made them bring me along. My parents are the typical working adults who work 8 to 6 and sometimes even later and get home for dinner. They work very hard to provide for me and mysisters. I lived with a nanny when i was young and older, maids took care of me. My family ain't the loaded kinds, but we do make enough for ouselves and to spend extras having fun. And my parents gave me almost what i wanted. All the way up to secondary 4, i lived the life of a princess. Spoilt, pampered, had all i wanted. Literally. I didn't had to fetch my own glass of water, not even need to stretch for the remote control cos "Siti!" was the only word i had to master. I never had to take a bus to/back from school until secondary 2, when i quarreled with my dad complaining why all my friends could take bus home together and he must fetch me. I was Ignorant. Even til secondary 4, my24hrs dad would pick me to wherever i'm meeting my friends for movie and pick me home again. My dad was the closest person i had in my family, i'll talk to him about anything and he'll give me everything. I remember dad told me once in sec4, when he thought i joined a gang and wanted to send me to girlshome (really, that time all i did was hang out at macs with my friends til 7 and sometimes miss dinner, compared to what i did after secondary school, i was angelic.) I remember vividly what he said, "If ever some hooligan comes up to you to stir trouble, i want to be the first person you think of calling. Get them to wait, tell them your dad is coming and i wouldnt care going to jail or die protecting you." I remember that was a long crying session.

But in ever good grandmother fairytale story, mishaps have to fall. Dad faced temptation, like many others and he failed. For once, i felt very lost. My shelther and refuge, collapsing and i had to escape. I love my dad, but i just felt that love is a very scary thing. I lost the courage to believe in men. That it is impossible to depend on one, and slowly, disbelief got swallowed by disgust. I dont usually go home after 12 when i was 17, but from that particular night when i stormed out of house after my parents quarreled, my life changed. I never reached home before 12, and i left home at 5.30 so that i dont bump into my dad at home. I never knew how to speak my mom or my sisters before and i didnt know how to start off with. Then by the time i know, lost&confusion needed relief&escape. I met many nice ppl. They were good friends, bring you out to have fun, i learnt drinking and they thought me smoking. Gradually, such nightlife got me addicted and from once a wk, it became 4times a wk. I clubbed alot, even though i don't really like the place and ppl, but the loudmusic and grayedair makes all seemed so tv, so fairytale. Underage clubbing was so exciting. And also, i got introduced to a dangerous yet appealing thing called the penknife. I've got a great friend, whose sadistic. And i turned sadistic too. For some reason, the physical pain felt so good, cause it was capable to make you not think of what was stabbing in your heart so deeply. But after it all, i realised it stills comes back. Many ppl take Amanda as the cheery, smiling bunny but really, don't judge the book by its cover. There's much within then just a happybottle. I've ran away from home after quarreling with dad&mom over different view&bf issues, worked 3jobs at a time, trying to earn as much to prove to my dad that i can be independent. Instead of being angry, he pleaded me to go home and take my allowance. I was being plainly stupid. In secondary school, when i weighed less then 50, the boys would laugh and tease me calling me fat. Jokes i know, which always affected girls. And when all this builds in, i turned bulllimic. I loved eating, eat and eat and eat. And i'll try digging it out, to make me feel less guilty. It was awful, but i felt better. Gradually, i didnt even had to use the finger to dig, it jsut comes soo naturally. Eat and puke. Fullstop. After some time, i stopped eating. In a wk surviving just a bottle of soyamilk a day, i lost 6 kg. But trust me girls, it'll all come back, adding even more.. Now i weigh more then 50(dont ask!) lols, i really can't be bothered what you wanna comment about. You're just jealous.

It took me 4 months to get the courage to talk to my dad again. And it takes really long time to let it all heal. Now that i had been more then a yr ago, i do feel the jitters when i think about it. Sometimes when i share with my friends who go through the same thing, i share the tears for i know it never felt good. But its part and parcel of life. It made me stronger. It made me appreciate life better. It made me love mymom&sisters alot. It made me love dad more. And i do know, i don't believe in fairytales. I forgive my dad, i forgive myself and those who hurt me. my friends didnt thought me the wrong things. Drinking and smoking aint exactly wrong/bad. Its judgemental. But i walked out of it, knowing my life is more precious to be spending it on wasted nights. I do love clubbing now. Very much different from the past cause now i do it legally, with the right people who only brings me joy and love, and i've not touched a cig. I know my dad, my family loves and worries alot about me. Just that they do not know how to express them verbally. In the asian contexts, it's so difficult to tell your family "I love you". You would say it so passionately to someone you're infatuated with. Somebody you bearly know. But why does it make you so nervous and awkward making you gasps and swallow these simples words? I'm blessed to have a mushy dad who constantly reminds me how much he loves me. He'll tell me words like, "You know, i love you alot and i want the best out of you..." after which he'll give me a looong lecture for coming home late and stuff. typical. :) My mom who calls me everytime to ask me where i'm and if i'm gg back yet. Allows me to overspend, and learnt to spare me from naggings. Now she does it, in the way of reminding. My sisters buys me many things to pamper me, bring me out to clubs&tosing, get me exposed to many things i've never seen and show me love and concern always. Everytime i face problems, i know i could talk to them about everything cause they've seen many and been through lots too.

The path of life is layed with traps and needles, also filled with treats and love. Many a times, we wallow in self-pity, over trival matters do we get overwhelmed with disappointment with ppl. Disappointed is far more threatening then anger. It kills others and slowly eats you up to make you hurt everyone elses. We need to understand, nobody can ever be perfect. Many ppl come by sharing love, and alot others come by hurting you. They are tests given to make you stronger and to allow you to grow over them and not get shadowed instead.


**
To darlingpeg: Ppl come into your life, as tresspassers to hurt you to disappoint you and to make you feel all so lousy about yourself. Maybe they do love you but they do not know how to convey it the right way, maybe they are jealous of the joy you have and wants to rip you off lala land, maybe they are just devils' disguise who got nothing better to do but make you feel bad cause that's whats make them happy. When you do get so so upset, there they are laughing away celebrating their triumph over your happiness. Instead of getting all so sad, laugh it away and prove to these cunning unblessed ppl that how sad they are to be doing all these because really, God do love me a little more then you. =)
And i do, love you more then Andy. *giggles

**
To huhney: Love, like i said before. I think i'm doing worst because i couldnt remember when was the last time i even say my dad and said something to him. Maybe a wk ago? Because i nvr was home early. Ystd, i chatted with him a lil and i asked for money -.- shame shame. Well, i always feel that. Everytime we complain that they dont understand us, dont give us what we want and stuff, we need to think that why havent we tried doing something instead. Parents find it difficult to communicate with us, because we block them out of our lives thinking they would never understand. But i guess; study, work, politics, quarrels, competition, love, they have all been through them too. And they've been through them all soo many times i bet they know how to deal with them better then us. Sometimes when my mom gets moodswings, i try to understand because i know she had a rough day. Sometimes when i can't take it, i'll tell her nicely, "Why are you venting you anger on me? If you think it is right then go on." And she'll write me a note apologising and telling me how much she loves me. Well It shldnt always be them doing the work. They've worked so many years trying to give us home bread and butter, we do have to try harder right? I make simple phone calls to ask if he has eaten. when i'm at the interchange i'll call and ask if he wants anything. I'll leave little notes saying GoodMorningDad (even though its usually, chld i have a hundred prettypls). It brightens up his day :) Its a simple care to show you love. Too bad they don't have friendster, or it'll be easier to comment isnt it?
I love u honey.


Appreciate what i have, see joy in everything i do.
This is what i'm still learning and i need to grow better in.